


The Character of Killian Jones (from his perspective)

by AnnaAmell



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 04:50:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7604137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaAmell/pseuds/AnnaAmell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is my take on Killian's story from his perspective.  Everything is in his voice, and this is his take on his life of slavery, losing his brother, and finding and losing love.  Killian is his own harshest critic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Liam's Brother

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a labor of love, and I'd like to give particular thanks to two Tumblr users @mahstatins for her encouragement and @fergus80 for the loan of a very particular Millian headcannon. This story will contain Millian, but by the end it will be Captain Swan all the way as I plan to continue it up through the events of Season 5.

He’s a little boy, and he wants to grow up to be a great man–just like his father. 

He’s a slightly older boy, and his father isn’t a great man, and he must never have loved him. You don’t sell someone you love into slavery–do you? Maybe he didn’t know how bad it would be…. All he has now is his brother Liam, and Liam is everything good and brave and trustworthy in the world. He’s not as good as his brother–he never will be. He’s a disappointment–he knows that now–and he’s scared that maybe he is like his father after all.

He’s a teenager, and he’s just so angry all of the time. At least when he’s angry he doesn’t have to be scared. This crew hates him even more than the last, and he knows that he’s only survived this long because of Liam. Liam is so much stronger than him. Liam teaches him to read and to chart a course, and sometimes finds him a old second hand book. He enjoys reading and learning things, but what good is that to a slave–what good is he?

He’s still a teenager, and his life is still hell. Liam has a plan to get them out, but they must hoard their few coins, so that means no more books. He never gets to leave the ship so those books were his only escape, but complaining just makes him sound ungrateful for everything Liam tries to do for him. He’s just so tired of being angry and scared all of the time. It’s easier for Liam–the good brother. He’s the failure, and that’s all he’ll ever be. At least alcohol is readily available aboard ship and makes it all go away for a little while. And Liam, well Liam doesn’t have to pretend not to be disappointed anymore.

He’s still a teenager, and the crew have taken to plying him with drink. Apparently he’s more entertaining when he’s too drunk to stand. Well, at least he’s good for something other than just collateral when his brother leaves the ship–he can’t even remember the last time he was allowed to walk on land. But he didn’t mean to lose Liam’s way out…. He’s sorry Liam…. But Liam fixes it somehow because Liam’s a hero–Liam’s so much better than he is. They make it through the storm–it’s a good thing Liam made him practice navigation. They’re free, and Liam says that he could be a Captain someday. Maybe he can try. It would be so nice to not be a disappointment for once.

He’s a Midshipman, and it’s all thanks to his brother. Sometimes he thinks he must be dreaming. He doesn’t know how not to be a slave, but he is determined to make Liam proud of him. Those books he read as a child at least help him pretend that he’s had some formal education. He will not waste this second chance. As a Midshipman he is entitled to a wage. He knows that Liam is afraid that he will use it to buy rum, but he has something else in mind. After carefully measuring the footlocker he’s been assigned, along with his uniforms and accouterments, he goes shopping. After a moments panic when he got briefly lost–he’d forgotten how confusing a town can be–he finds his prize. The two novels, book of poetry, grammar text, introductory Greek primer, and navigation treatise he purchase fit like they were made for the small space. The crew makes fun of him when he refuses invitations to the tavern in favor of reading in his bunk, but he much prefers being known as the bookish brother rather than the drunk one.

He’s a Lieutenant, and good form is paramount. Rum leads to bad form, sailor, and don’t forget it. He still craves a drink now and then–or more than that–but he can’t let Liam down. So, he needs to get all of the liquid temptation off of the Jewel before they set sail. His brother is proud of him, and he’ll do almost anything to avoid turning back into a disappointment. A heroes’ journey for the Brothers Jones. He always knew that Liam was destined for greatness–he’s just so grateful that he’s being allowed to come along.

He’s still a Lieutenant, but he’s back to being a disappointment. Something about this mission feels off, but Liam doesn’t believe him. He knows that Liam is probably right–he’s always right–but he can’t stop worrying about this plant. Liam finally tests the plant just to shut him up. Liam was dying–it would have been his fault–but Killian saves him. It’s going to be alright, and Liam is going to talk to the admiralty–be a hero again, but…. Liam please don’t leave him…he’s so sorry…this is all his fault…Liam!?

He’s a pirate, and he’s not a brother anymore. He burns the sail and gives a speech and rallies the men. He’s surprised it works, but he knows the admiralty won’t listen to him the way they would to Liam. He can’t let the king get away with…. He can’t let the monster have such a weapon. He won’t let others die the way L…. If it wasn’t for him…. He’s angry–he has to stay angry to function–to keep from getting stuck in that final terrible moment…. Others pay for his anger…the king’s ships, a sailor named Edgar…. When he can’t sustain the anger anymore; well, that’s what rum is for….


	2. Milah's Killian

He’s a pirate, and a man is trying to take advantage of a lady. He rescues the fair damsel and cheers her with stories of his travels. She’s interested in what he has to say–no one’s ever been interested in his words before–and she looks at him like he’s a hero. He recognizes something of himself in her–a knowledge that you are trapped–and he seeks to help her. She turns down his offer to accompany him because she is married. It would appear that a better man has won, but there’s just something about her…. He promises her that he docks at her port often, just in case she should ever change her mind….

He’s still a pirate, and the lady–Milah–has asked him to take her away from a small, narrow life, trapped in a loveless marriage. He knows what it’s like to be trapped, so of course he says yes. Helping a lady is a noble cause after all. As for the husband, a man unwilling to fight for he wants, deserves what he gets. If the coward had tried to put up a fight, he’d have told him his wife was safe. Nothing would make him break his word to take her on an adventure, however. It is bad form to break a promise, and the lady deserves to be free.

He’s Captain Killian Jones, but he’s also a man in love. Milah, his Pirate Queen, is the only person other than Liam who has ever loved him. She never looks at him like he’s a disappointment. She tells him he is handsome and dashing and brave. When she says it, he almost believes it. She loves their adventures, and her smile is like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. She likes reading tales and poetry as much as he does, and they carefully pack away Liam’s history and politics books to make room in their cabin for their ever expanding library. She misses her son, and he misses his brother. They talk about going back for Bailfire, and they talk about someday having more children. He thinks he would like to be a father, and then he finds out that he is going to be one. It is a gift that he will do anything to be worthy of.

He’s Captain Killian Jones, but he’s sure he’s going to die. His Milah’s former husband has found them, and the creature is no longer human. The Dark One–the Crocodile–demands a duel. He knows he cannot win, but he goes anyway. As he walks to the appointed place, he fingers something in his pocket–a rope he had been practicing fashioning into a rattle of sorts. He regrets that he will never know his child. He promised himself that he would never abandon this child as his father abandoned him and Liam, but there is no other choice. Maybe the fiend will be satisfied with his blood and leave Milah and the babe in her womb in peace. Wait, no Milah, what are you doing here?! Milah, run!

He’s still Captain Killian Jones, and he and his love are playing a dangerous game. Milah has acquired a bean and is going to trade it to the Dark One her husband has become in exchange for their lives. Once she helps him back to their ship, she produces it for the Crocodile’s benefit before giving it to him to palm. It seems like this desperate gamble may pay off, but the Dark One asks one too many questions; and Milah gives him the truth. He…he…her heart… Milah…no….. The ba…his chil…no…. He barely even feels the cut that takes his left hand. What does it matter? What does anything matter? The strength he mustered to attack the Crocodile doesn’t last, and he’s only conscious for part of the cauterization process his crew inflicts on him to save him. He doesn’t know why they bother….

He’s Captain Hook, and he lives only for revenge. Even a demon can be killed, and he will not rest until the creature who killed his Milah…and their child…is dead. He manages to consign his family to their final watery rest and get the ship safely through the portal to Neverland before the fever from his ruined arm takes him down. At least, he thinks as he weakly clutches the rope rattle in his pocket, if he doesn’t survive this, his crew will be safe from the Crocodile. He has surely determined that he took the wrong hand by now….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for mentions of slavery, canon character deaths, and the death of a child


	3. Hook

He’s Captain Hook, and he has (once the fever had abated enough for him to stand) discovered that Peter Pan is more than he first seemed. Rather than a mere boy, he is the immortal lord of Neverland. Pan has granted him permission to stay in Neverland, with his ship and his crew, for the moment, but he gets the district feeling that he wants something in return. When pressed, Pan will only say that they’ll speak of it later. If cared about anything but getting vengeance for Milah and their child, he might be frightened of what price Pan will demand for his hospitality. After all, this accursed island has already cost him Liam. It is then probably fortunate that he has nothing left to lose.

He’s Captain Hook, but he feels more like Milah’s Killian everyday. Against all reason and all odds, her son…her Bae…has found his way here to Neverland and to his ship. He hasn’t found the words yet to tell Bae of his relationship with his mother, but for the first time since Milah…died in his arms he feels something other than pain. He takes pleasure in teaching the lad the ins and outs of the Jolly Roger and in showing him how to wield a sword. He takes even greater pleasure in sharing the library that he and Milah collected. He doesn’t even consider giving him over to Pan, despite the little lord’s commands. As long as Milah’s son wants to stay with him, Killian Jones will do anything to make that happen.

He’s Captain Hook, and he is now convinced that is all he will ever be. Bae found one of Milah’s drawings and figured out that he was the dirty pirate who stole his mother. He tried to explain…begged the boy to stay, but Bae was determined to brave Neverland alone–the lad hasn’t the skills to survive this hell on his own. He had only one recourse, and he took it. Pan gave his word no harm would come to Bae as long as he gave him over to the Lost Boys. In any event, it was the only way to save his crew….

He’s A One-Handed Pirate with a Drinking Problem, and he’s become Peter Pan’s errand boy. Perhaps he is ill-suited to freedom…or perhaps he just doesn’t deserve it. Whatever the reason, he has…ensla….indentured himself and his ship to Pan in return for a promise of assistance in his vengeance against the Crocodile and for the promise of safety for the crew that remains after half was lost after being tricked into Echo Cave by the late, un-lamented hellion, Ruffio. Only his books offer him solace now, and the rattle that never leaves his pocket reminds him of his purpose. Despite his distaste for the situation, he is relieved that he will not need to kill any more Lost Boys in his own defense, and he may finally have his vengeance…someday.

He’s no longer a man of his word, and he’s broken a promise to help a young lady–the daughter of Poseidon, no less. The fact that he did not intend to do so makes no difference. The girl’s father was too strong to truly thwart, and all he could take to recoup his lost chance was her voice. He’s mostly managed to stop flinching at what he’s become, but he may make an exception for this.

He’s Captain Hook, and he’s finally free of Pan…although it may be some time before he quits looking over his shoulder waiting for the little monster’s other shoe to drop. He hopes that Tinkerbelle is alright–that Pan won’t hurt her…. But that’s neither here nor there. First, he must accustom himself to this new time in which he and his crew find themselves. Oh, they’d come back into the world from time to time to do…errands for Pan, but this is his first extended stay somewhere that’s not Neverland in…centuries. He wonders exactly what has changed in the intervening years. He’s expected to join his crew at the nearby tavern, but perhaps he might see if there’s a book shop about first.

He’s more than 300 years old, and he’s just had the most marvelous rum-tinged dream. There was a lady…a blonde…and she was curious about him…almost as if she cared for him…. This vision had the most beautiful eyes he’s ever seen…as green as the distant seas. Oh, how he wishes she was real! She was so warm and trusting in his arms that for a moment he almost felt like he a was once again Killi…. No matter, she was merely a dream, and he has his vengeance to be getting on with. If he finds himself looking for golden hair in their next few ports…well, it’s no ones business but his….

He’s Captain Hook, and he has an–appointment with The Evil Queen. All it took to gain said appointment was successfully breaking into her dungeon–one would think The Evil Queen would have better security. The Evil Queen…really…he can practically taste the capital letters? Has this new age run out of proper monikers, or does The Evil Queen just lack all imagination in matters of both name and dress? Well, he supposes it is certainly descriptive anyway. His initial meeting with the…lady certainly did nothing to raise his expectations. In a more peaceful setting than the dungeon, she first plies him with wine while attempting to play the gracious hostess before moving proceedings outside and pawing at him in a most…uncomfortable manner. He’s no stranger to games of seduction, but it takes more effort than it should to keep his distaste from showing too obviously. He supposes he’s still more shaken than he should be over what he nearly did to the silly girl who decided to care about the Crocodile. Just when he thinks he’s finally excised his conscience, it comes back to haunt him. When The Evil Queen finally decides to get down to business, it seems she wishes to test him before engaging his services. If only he was not in such need of allies in this new time….

He’s Captain Hook, and he’s proven that he’s just like his father. He could perhaps have forgiven the man for his abandonment..for selling them into slavery…if he had not replaced Liam…and then planned to repeat history and abandon said replacement. In any event, the child will be better off as a mere orphan without adding slavery into the equation. He’d be concerned about carrying the weight of this misdeed and all the rest if he had not long expected his vengeance quest to end in his death…if he is very fortunate. If he is less fortunate…well, at least he now has practice in becoming the thing he hates….

He’s Captain Hook, and he’s caught in a family feud, between The Evil Queen and her mother…all thanks to The Evil Queen sending him on a fools mission. Before sending him to steal her mother’s heart, would it have killed her to confirm the woman still possessed one?!? Can the farce that his life has apparently become get any more ridiculous?

He’s Captain Hook, and he hopes that Cora knows what she’s about. Curses are nothing to play around with. Still, she is the best chance he has–particularly as he does not relish spending the next twenty eight years in curse-imposed ignorance. Now all he needs to do is keep one eye on Cora, lest she stab him in the back, while waiting for the Savior to arrive.

He’s a villain, but he’s horrified by what he’s just witnessed. Plotting to kill the man who murdered his family and killing those who stood against him (on land or sea) are worlds away from witnessing his ally committing mass murder with a wave of her hand. One moment, he and Cora were standing at the edge of the safe haven; and in the next, every living soul save him and Cora was dead. He has to…he cannot…afford to show weakness…not in front of…but the shock…the shear horror…of what he has just witnessed makes his chosen facade of bored, yet just respectful enough, insolence near-impossible to don. All of those people…there were children here!! And now, the rest of the plan comes to light–Cora expects him to get under the bodies?! He’s a pirate, a villain, but even he has limits…he balks…of course he balks…anyone with a heart would balk at this…but with another wave of her hand, she arranges the corpses to her satisfaction and he blinks, and suddenly finds himself under a lumpy, heavy, cooling weight…. His screams are…he’s embarrassed to say…entirely unfeigned, but there is scarcely enough air to breath…and what air there is smells of nothing but death…and so he is forced to calm…at least outwardly…lest he pass out….


	4. The Lady Swan

He’s still Captain Hook, but he feels as if he’s finally found the sun after too long in the dark. Her name is Emma Swan. She pulls him from beneath the pile of bodies and places a blade to his throat in short order–it was a rather transparent lie, but then he was too busy gulping fresh air and staring at his rescuer to be at his best. He doesn’t even blame her for threatening to leave him for the ogres. 

He’s Captain Hook, but he feels a lightness he has not felt for centuries. Climbing a beanstalk with the Lady Swan should be a chore, but he is invigorated by the lady’s wit and determination. He will help her get home to her son, and Cora will just have to learn to deal with disappointment. It is probably just as well that he hopes to be in another realm by the time she realizes his treachery. As he bandages the lady’s hand, he finds himself hoping that he can convince her of the righteousness of his quest for vengeance. He would definitely like to continue this acquaintance.

He’s Captain Hook, and he’s been betrayed…and not by Cora…imagine that. He’d hoped…well, he supposes that his hopes mean little now. The Lady Swan has left him here, although he was pleasantly surprised when the giant failed to eat him. He knows why she did it–he wasn’t lying–she is an open book to him. She trusts him, and that scares her and made her run. He wonders what her former love did to hurt her so badly that she is afraid to trust her own instincts…. For now, however, he must face Cora, and he will need to find a reason for her to keep him alive.

He’s…Captain Hook, and he’s just…he’s just removed…a princess’s heart…. What is he doing?! If Milah could see him now…. The bit of rope in his pocket has never felt so heavy…. It’s all the Swan girl’s fault…no, he may have become a monster, but he will blame no one but himself for his misdeeds. Logically, he needs leverage to ensure that Cora won’t simply leave him here…or worse. This…heart…can be that leverage. He’ll just have to ensure that the princess gets it back before they leave…somehow…..

He’s Captain Hook and he’s just paid Swan back for leaving him to the giant. It was not as satisfying as he’d hoped. Oh, he threw her inability to trust in her face, and assured her of the truth that he would have kept their bargain, but hurting her…even merely verbally…was…not something he enjoyed. He’s not sure he could have left her there if he was not sure the intrepid lasses could find their way out of that cage.

He’s Captain Hook, and he would never permanently deprive a lady of her heart…particularly as he’s the one who took it in the first place; but he would apparently throw a fight. Swan’s level skill with a sword is laughable at best, and he could have bested her easily. However, he…just…does not…want…to hurt her…. Trying to fight someone who has absolutely no idea what they are doing with a sword–while making it look like they are a challenge–is surprisingly difficult. Thankfully, he thinks his somewhat crude flirtations serve nicely as a distraction. He is just trying to figure out if there was some way he could grab Swan, Mary Margaret, and the compass while jumping into the portal (with the side benefits of getting Swan back to her son and leaving Cora behind), when he sees the bag with Aurora’s heart go flying towards the portal. He’s not even sure what that would do to her, and he does not intend to find out. It’s the work of mere moments to lunge for it (using Swan for balance), and his hook has never been put to better use. Truthfully he gives the bag to Mulan because he cannot bear to think of anything else happening to that heart…not that he has any intention of admitting that to Cora. Unfortunately, his actions give Swan the opening to clock him in the head with the surprisingly dense compass. He’s therefore only barely conscious when he sees Cora try…and fail to take the lass’s heart. It looks like he and Cora will need to find an alternate way to this Storybrook.

He’s Captain Hook, but he’s still a gentleman. These little flourishes cost him nothing, but they seem to make Cora happy. Despite the indiscriminate nature of her tactics–and her body count–he recognizes something of himself in her–of a person who clawed their way out of nothing and into a degree of gentility. For this, if for nothing else, she has his respect; and so he will treat her as the fine lady she wants so desperately to be. And if showing that respect allows him to save the man she just turned into a fish by kicking him out of her way and into the water, well, that is just a happy coincidence.

He’s Captain Hook, and it’s possible that he may have become slightly…temporarily…distracted from his vengeance. Despite the fact that he’s traveled to many lands, and indeed many realms, he’s never before encountered a place quite like the so-called Land Without Magic. For a land claiming to possess to native magic of its own, beyond the power brought here from the Enchanted Forest, it seems to possess a preponderance of seemingly magical devices. Milah would love this place! So far, he’s seen horseless carriages, that seem to move under no mundane method of propulsion he can divine; devices intended to allow conversations over long distances; and boxes on which rest pictures which move and talk. This realm seems to be a rather marvelous contradiction. How can such things exist without magic!? If he survives what the next few days bring, he must see about finding some books about this place. He’s not giving up on his vengeance, but he must admit he is curious about this new realm. It’s been a long time, excepting those few hours with the Swan girl on the beanstalk, that he’s been truly curious about anything….

He’s Captain Hook, and he just needs to make this stupid girl understand just what she’s in love with. How any woman could feel safe with the Crocodile, considering what he is and what he’s done…. Of course, that assumes the lass knows of his crimes…what a monster he is…. Perhaps an explanation is in order…. Of course the Crocodile shows up before he can convince her, and of course he manages to get half beaten to death, and of course the girl saves him only to accuse Killian of being the monster…he’s just having that kind of week….

He’s a villain, and he’s just been confronted by the monster he’s become. As if that realization were not painful enough, he follows it up by being struck by one of those horseless conveyances he was so enamored by previously, which the Crocodile then followed up with an enthusiastic application of his walking stick. While he certainly felt satisfaction in the look on the monster’s face when Mistress Belle no longer recognized him, he wished it could have been accomplished without shooting the lass. He made sure to aim for a non-fatal area, but the look of absolute confusion, pain, and fear on her face will haunt him for the rest of his days–however few they might be. Oh, there’s Swan…and she seems concerned…about him? That’s…surprising….

He’s…Hook, and he’s confused. Perhaps the Swan lass doesn’t want him dead after all. At least, it seems that she wants this world’s version of physicians to help him and to hide him from the Crocodile. What a strange place this is, though he must admit it is possible the medicinal draught the physician administered may have muddled his senses somewhat. The lighting is far too bright, and it gives the whole place an artificial air. The overly white decor does not help the effect. If he did not know better, he would assume this light must be produced by magic as these ceiling bound “lamps” are like nothing he has seen before. He supposes they must be similar in function to those Regina demonstrated to he and Cora. Regina’s version, however, seemed intended to produce a comforting, if a bit austere for his taste, effect; while these seem to be trying to…buzz their way into his eyes…aided by the floating feeling the medicine seemed to have in…induced…. And then there is the questionable…repast he has been served…at least he assumes it’s…sustenance he’s been given…calling it food seems too charitable…. It is an unnatural color…and it…jiggles in a most off-putting manner. That’s it…he needs answers…Swan…he must find Swan…. She will know what manner of…thing this…jiggly…thing is. The laughable chain on his wrist is no impediment, and he’s soon off to find the esti…estiamuble….estimababble…good Sheriff Swan. 

Finding Shhherriff Swwan is hard, and the jiggly thing on the plate is slowing him down. It keeps looking like it is trying to esscape, and so he has to stop and put the pllate down (don’t these people know it’s baaad form to take a man’s hook?) to poke it back into place…. Poking it produces a most fasc…fadcina…fascinating, if disssturbing effect–rather like the feeling of standing in the crow’s nest while the ship is sailing particularly rough seas…and it makes it jiggle alarmingly…which may in fact be nattural for whatever this jiggly thing actually is…. He takes it back…there’s no way this can be food….

He’s finally found Shheriff Swaan. Shhheee iiis as be…beauttt…pretty as he remembered. Ssssurely, she can help him with thisss jiggly thing…ooh, ssshe'sss angry again…which is sssad, but which makesss her eyesss flashh soo niccely…. And now he'ss back in the room with the buuzzzzing lightsss…bloody hell….

He’s Captain Hook, and he may finally have skinned the crocodile. Now, he just needs for the poison to do its work. Dreamshade is so potent that it should end the monster even should Swan find a way to get him back to the magic of Storybrooke…and just what is Swan doing with the Dark One in the first place? At least this time there was no collateral damage, save the horror-struck look in Swan’s eyes…although…he is not certain all of that horror was directed at him. In any event, the lady certainly likes to tie him up and leave him behind….

He’s Captain Hook, and he’s been kidnapped. He’d be embarrassed if he wasn’t in so much pain. He’s also beginning to take a dim view of these horseless carriages. Fascinating they may be–and he’s still anxious to find out what makes them go–but they seem to have a collective vendetta of some sort against him. Although perhaps he should be blaming the pair that tied him up and tossed him into said carriage, rather than the carriage itself….

He’s a villain, but he has no intention of helping to destroy…to kill…an entire town. He’s many things…none of them good…not anymore…but he’s no Cora. Greg and Tamara go too far in their hatred of all things magic, and he just hopes Swan and the rest of the heroes will listen to what he has to say. The prince’s welcoming punch seems to bode ill for this endeavor…and of course The Evil Queen is here to…, but he’s nothing if not persistent. His stubbornness is rewarded when they manage to retrieve a single magic bean. If the heroes plan to evacuate the town, they should hurry. The crowd they find gathered on their return, in the quaint eating establishment called Granny’s, is disturbingly small. Perhaps the majority–unless he has grossly underestimated the size of this place–are staging somewhere else? Do the heroes plan to leave the rest of the town to their fate? Swan has eyes only for her son, which is at least understandable. He wonders if she realizes just how many people her mother–these people’s queen–seems to be willing to leave behind in this evacuation? At least Swan’s lad seems to care that Regina, at least, is not present. He silently applauds the sentiment even as argues against it. He won’t kill the town, but he has no desire to die with it….

**Author's Note:**

> warnings for talk of slavery, canon character deaths, and the loss of a child


End file.
